which is yes
by seilleanmor
Summary: A post ep for Still. Tying up a couple of loose threads.


i thank you God for most this amazing  
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees  
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything  
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

**i thank you God for, ee cummings**

* * *

**which is yes**

* * *

He keeps her close the whole way back to the precinct.

Kate's hand is warm and soothing in his, the kiss of their palms helping alleviate some of the panic crawling up his windpipe. He has to keep swallowing it back, looking for the taste of her where he keeps it beneath his tongue.

The stoplight changes to red and Kate glances over at him, a soft smile quivering at the corners of her mouth. He's trying so hard to be okay for her, to let her fall apart if she needs to, and it's killing him.

Last time he almost lost her, he had no idea. And that's become a cliché with them, something he says every time she circles her hips just so or pulls out her kinky box, but it's true. He didn't know how it would be to have her surging above him, desperate and gasping and carrying them both towards a together-tasting moment of blissful nothing.

He didn't know how it could be to really have her. The soft line of her body melting into his as they curl together on top of the sheets, the crack in her voice when she greets him in the morning. How she'll come back, spare a moment of precious time just to kiss him again.

So this time when she grit her teeth and told him to go, that she'd be fine, his whole body swelled with every moment they've had, every look and laugh and kiss and touch clamouring for his attention.

Especially this morning. The joy at seeing her after so many days of rushed moments of tenderness, her smile arcing wide and her knees bracketing his hips, hot and right. He's glad he made the effort, glad that he gave her hearts in their coffee and the brush of their mouths.

At least, if it had been-

He got their last morning right. Hypothetically.

"Rick?"

Her voice is bruised, an age-old thing he's been hearing in his dreams for years like a siren song. And she looks defeated, hours of fatigue settling in at the corners of her eyes. He hums, not trusting his own voice to come out smooth and low the way she likes.

"Thank you. For not leaving."

She keeps _saying it_. Like he entertained, even for a moment, the notion of leaving her to face it alone. Like she owes him something.

In truth, he's still tight with guilt at having gone for any time at all, for getting coffee. It was worth it though. Walking away drew the confession from her throat, as if the further he went from her the more her body revolted until the words were dragged up out of some sacred place.

He knows she's been keeping them safe there for a while now, has seen it in everything she does. He won't lie, though. It was good to hear. Great, really.

_Rick. I love you._

So beautiful. The hitch like she couldn't quite believe she'd waited so long to say it. Like something was giving way in her. Castle hopes it does, hopes she'll give him the words more freely now. So that now, when he wants to say it, he can. And she won't run.

"I told you. Not going anywhere, Kate."

"_But_, Castle. But. . .you can't do that again. You can't take that kind of risk. You have to think about your daughter."

The stoplight switches back to green and she turns to face front, her eyes glazing over as she watches the traffic ahead of them, letting the car be swept along in the tide of people heading home. Rick drops her hand and she bites her lip, but he's only wiping it off, Kate, not letting go.

He settles his palm at her thigh and squeezes, his thumb searching out the Braille of her inseam. Saying _touch me, love me Castle_.

"I do think about Alexis. Do you think if I left you, she would ever have forgiven me?"

Kate's hands clench and flex against the steering wheel, her knuckles bleaching. "She would never have forgiven _me_. She loves you, Rick. She needs you."

"She loves you too, _damn it_ Kate. She loves you, just like I do. You're a part of this family now, and we protect each other."

She's quiet then, the twitch in her jaw like a time bomb where she's straining not to yell at him. He knows she's mad. She always is. She always says _this isn't your job, Castle. You're not supposed to take these risks._

But it _is_. Okay, so he doesn't get paid, and there's nothing official about it, but he's her partner. He has her back, and not just because he gets to kiss her now. Because the world _needs_ her, and he will happily give himself over to a crusade of Kate-preservation.

"I'll drop you at the loft. You can give your statement tomorrow."

"_No_." She startles at that and he forces himself to take a breath, release his vice grip on her thigh. "Please don't leave me Kate."

"I'll come straight home after I'm done at the precinct, okay. Two hours max."

And even though that's so good, her saying home and meaning _him_, his throat still closes with hot and sickening fear.

"No. I'm staying. I need to have you close."

Her eyelids shutter closed and Castle slides his hand to curve around the apex of her knee, feeling the shift of bone against his palm when she presses the gas. He knows it's stupid, knows she's safe, but he needs to be able to see her, needs her smile to help him swallow back the ache in his chest.

"Okay. Okay. You can give your statement too, then. Gates gave me tomorrow off."

"Yeah, I know. She told me to take you home."

Kate huffs a wash of air at that, nudging the car to speed up. "I don't need you to take me home. You'd think that Gates of all people would understand that."

"I don't think she meant that you can't take care of yourself. She just knows that this sort of thing tends to hit hardest later on and she didn't want you to be alone. She's just taking care of her people."

"Yeah. I guess I can't really be mad at her after she told me to kiss you, huh?"

Castle grins at that, fights against the seatbelt to get his mouth at Kate's cheek. Not at all where he really wants to be, but he'll take it.

"Did you have any idea she knew?"

Kate smirks, turns her head to brush her mouth against his for a moment of startling clarity. "I had sort of. . .hoped so? I was worried that she'd made it to captain if she _couldn't_ tell."

"Yeah, well, you've never been subtle."

"Seriously Castle? You're still insisting that I liked you first? Which of us used the _mayor_ as an in to shadow the other, hmm?"

Rick grins and sits back in his seat, drumming his fingers against the dash. She needed the levity before, needed a distraction. But now it's done and he knows she wants reassurance, can see it in the set to her shoulders, her spine like a cliff face even through her shirt.

"Okay. Fine. I liked you. I really, really liked you."

He shrugs, steepling his fingers and glancing over at her again. She's grinning, beautiful parentheses around her mouth and eyes. As if she didn't know. Hasn't always known.

"I liked you too. That's why it hurt so much when you did things that should have made me hate you. Because even then, I couldn't."

Oh, Kate. Oh God.

He's known, of course, that he's hurt her before. She's hurt him too. But he wants to be the person to make it better for her; he wants to be the one she turns to for support.

She must see it, the guilt flooding his system, because she's taking his hand even as she pulls up outside the precinct.

"Don't look like that. It's okay. We're both different now."

And he knows she's right. They're different.

She _loves him_.

* * *

"I really want – oh _God, Castle_ – I want to go for a run. I need to _move_."

She rolls her hips against his, the loft door solid at her back. Suffocating, really. She wants fresh air over her cheeks and the burn of activity in her muscles.

But also, she wants him.

He lifts his head from his worship at her collar bone, dusts his mouth in a sweeping arc from her temple to her mouth. She's desperate, needs it hard and fast and dirty, but Rick's trying to learn every part of her like something brand new.

"We can move. I can do moving."

His teeth catch at her earlobe and then he's sucking it into her mouth, his hand sliding under her shirt to graze his knuckles over her ribcage.

"Not that kind of moving. I need to _run_."

"Okay. I get it. But this first, okay. Please. This first."

He crowds her, his legs wide to bracket hers and keep her pinned against the wood as he goes for her mouth again. She clutches at his sides, holding him close.

He grins and has to stop kissing her, the clash of their teeth easing a laugh from her throat.

"I'm so glad you're okay, Kate. So glad."

She smoothes her thumb over his cheek and offers him a soft smile, stretching onto her toes to kiss him again.

"Show me how glad."

* * *

Rick comes back from the shower to find Kate already dressed for running, cross-legged in the middle of his bed. She's got her phone cradled to her ear and for a second he wants to take it from her, tell dispatch she's not available right now. Not for the next twenty four hours at least.

But the way she's smiling, the fluid line of her body buoyant in the ocean of silk-

He doesn't think it's the precinct.

"Yeah. I know, Dad. I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you."

She glances up, sees Castle hovering and stretches out a hand, tugging him in to sit with her. He settles behind her, his back to the headboard, and she unfolds her legs to lace them over his, guiding his hands to her stomach as well.

"No. I wasn't alone. Yeah. When_ isn't _he?"

He gets his teeth at the strap of her sports bra and eases it off her shoulder, inches of creamy beautiful skin waiting for his mouth.

"_Yes_, Dad. He hugged me. Yeah, that too. No, in front of everyone."

Castle laughs against the wing of her shoulder blade and she half-turns to face him, grinning too. He can hear the far-away-sounding lilt of Jim's voice, saying something that makes Kate laugh.

"He's right here. Did you want to speak to him?"

Beckett raises an eyebrow, her mouth pursing so he can't help but kiss her, and then she passes the phone to Rick.

"Jim? Hi."

"Hello Rick. I hear you were quite the hero today."

Kate curls up against Castle's chest, her toes burrowing under his thigh. He brings his free hand up to hold her there, dropping a kiss to her temple.

"Not exactly. Kate was the heroic one. I was just reckless."

"I wouldn't call it that. By the sound of things, she owes you her life."

"She doesn't owe me anything."

He means it. He doesn't ever want Kate to think she has to repay him for all the times he's been stupid, risked his life to save hers. He'll do it over and over again.

Even if he'd really rather he didn't have to.

"Well, thank you anyway. I'll let you go. You take care of Katie, okay?"

"Of course. Would you like to come for dinner this weekend?"

Beckett's head snaps up to look at him and he shrugs, lacing their fingers together. But she's smiling at him, settling back in his arms again.

"That would be great actually. See you then. Goodbye, Rick."

"Bye, Jim." He hangs up and passes Kate's phone back to her, smoothing a hand over her ponytail. "Spur of the moment. That's okay right?"

"Yeah, sure. It'll be good to see him."

"Alright. I'll make dinner while you run. You want anything in particular?"

Kate rises to her knees over him and kisses him again, keeping her balance with her fingers at his ears, cool like freshwater.

"Surprise me."

* * *

Kate wakes in the night with flames licking up her spine, her sleep shirt damp and sticking. She sits up and brings her knees up to her chest, tries to ease the ache settling behind her ribs. The puckered circle of skin where a bullet seared through her chest pulses and she presses two fingers to it, gasping.

Next to her, Castle's stirring, one eye opening to squint at her. "Bad dream?"

She nods and he sits up more, seems to know better than to touch her right now. "I'll get you a drink of water."

He's gone less than a minute, coming back with a glass that she clutches to her sternum, letting the droplets of water sliding down the outside soak through to her skin. She drains the whole thing and sets it on the nightstand, wiping the back of her hand across her mouth.

"Better?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"You want to talk about it?"

She doesn't, not really, but she's been trying so hard lately to let him in and he wants to know, she sees that.

"The bomb went off. And uh, I lost you. But somehow I survived. Punishment, maybe. Anyway, Alexis and Martha both blamed me for your loss. So I was in hospital, alone and horribly burnt and just wanting you. But you were gone. Because of me."

Castle comes for her then, wrapping both arms around her in a vice grip that makes her bones knock together, but it's good. It's so good.

"It's okay Kate. I'm here. We're both safe. It's okay."

She wriggles in his grasp, winning herself enough room that she can slide up and meet his eyes, kiss him.

"I didn't say it just because of the near-death thing, you know. I said it because you spent all morning reminding me. How much I love you."

He beams and cradles the back of her head and it's like the cemetery that day, like the shock of grass at the back of her neck and the whole blue truth of the sky in his eyes. Only now she's smiling too, arching up to kiss him again and then rolling to her side, tugging him to fit behind her.

"I love you too, Kate. So much."

Yeah. She knows.

* * *

**Tumblr: **katiehoughton

**Twitter: **seilleanmor


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